What to Say When Your Spouse Works Too Much

When your partner spends most of their waking hours engaged in work (either on the phone or computer) or in the office or plant, it can leave you feeling isolated and resentful. You may feel like the burden of the household and children has been placed on your shoulders when you thought the two of you were a team and would balance responsibilities together.

As a psychologist who has worked for 20 years counseling couples in my therapy practice in North St. Paul, MN, many times I see the wife who feels abandoned and the husband who is working too many hours.

This was the complaint that Amy had when she came in with her husband Josh. She was critical of him and focused on his behaviors that she wanted him to eliminate. She didn't like him attending evening meetings, taking cell-phone calls during dinner, or taking work related e-mails during family vacations. She further criticized him as a thoughtless husband and selfish father because he put his work first. She went on to compare him to her father who was "always" home in the evenings and "never shirked" his duties as a father.

You might well imagine that Josh became quite defensive in his response to Amy and even began to attack her abilities as a mother. He was mad at her and felt misunderstood and devalued. She was mad at him also feeling misunderstood and devalued. Their feelings and experience of the situation appeared to be the only thing they could agree on.

Amy had a legitimate complaint but she wasn't getting her point across which ended up making things worse in the long run and leaving her in a continued state of loneliness and resentment. We met for an individual session and I coached her with the following questions:

1.What does Josh's absence mean to you?
2.What positive things do you miss about Josh when he is gone so much?
3.What are you longing for in terms of emotional, physical, intellectual, or spiritual connection with him?

In our discussion, she came to realize she was beginning to doubt herself in her own parenting skills. With a 3-year old and a 9-month old, she was feeling overworked and inadequate. She missed Josh's easy manner with their children which helped her enjoy the children even though she was feeling tired and overwhelmed. She said she was longing for the emotional connection they had always had in the past. She also missed his physical presence in sharing the physical work of caring for the 2 children. I assured her that most parents would begin to doubt themselves and their parenting with the responsibility of tending to 2 children, a household, and a 40-hour job which she had been doing. I assured her that her concerns were legitimate.

I suggested she talk to Josh again but this time talking to him about what she longs for and what she wants as opposed to what she doesn't like or doesn't want. I told her it's okay to complain about being overworked but not to criticize his abilities as a person or father. I also suggested she not triangle in her father, but to speak to Josh directly about her concerns. When the couple returned the next week, Amy said she had been able to explain her needs and situation to Josh in a positive manner. She felt he had heard her concerns and was much less defensive. They were beginning to talk about what responsibilities he could take off her shoulders. He said he was trying to figure out how he could manage his work schedule better. He reminded her that he wasn't sure he'd be able to make any changes at all. They exchanged a warm smile. They had not made any decisions about the problem but they had been able to talk about the problem. Amy was less critical and Josh could hear her concerns better.